Nonviolent Communication, or, You can teach an old dog new tricks.

I had an interaction with my adolescent daughter yesterday.
I thought she was trying to get out of school by saying she had a migraine.
(I'll reflect on my tendency toward skepticism later.
For now just chalk it up to my bent psyche & parenting three other teens.)
This happened while I was reading a book my son recommended called Nonviolent Communication.
I'd just read about identifying and expressing our feelings so I went to the long list of feeling words & wrote the ones that described me in my journal...

"I feel skeptical, suspicious, troubled, vexed, pessimistic,
displeased, frustrated, hesitant, confused, annoyed..."
[I haven't achieved the level where my feelings come in alphabetical order.]

I didn't know if I was right or not.
I didn't know if I should say anything or not.
I knew I risked getting into an argument either way.
(And I'm not good at nonviolent communication when I'm arguing).

But I had all these strong feelings.

So I asked her to join me for a private conversation.
I told her I was truly sorry if she had a migraine.
I told her I didn't know how she felt.
I told her how I was feeling. (See list above.)

She then expressed her own list of feelings,
very few of which seemed warm, tender & loving toward her father!
She said, "Dad, with all due respect I feel that you are an idiot."
[Just kidding. She may've thought it but she didn't say it.]
She told me what she thought about school.
It was a nonviolent exchange.
I felt good because I expressed my feelings & thoughts without blaming or accusing.
I felt even better because I could tell things were open & peaceful-- even affectionate between us.

And for the record I was wrong. She did have a migraine.
And she wasn't trying to get out of anything at school.

"...speaking the truth in love...Therefore, each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully..."
Ephesians 4